August 19, 2012
Dear Journal,
Something strange is going
on. I haven’t been able to write for a
week, and that in and of itself…you know…bothers me. I mean, I have superpowers, and yet I can’t
even write once a day? Why can’t I keep
up with a diary…I mean, journal?
I think the reason is because
I’ve been experimenting. I know I said
last week I have superpowers (AND I DO!) but I haven’t been able to figure out
everything they do. So I’ve been trying
to teleport (ended up falling off the bed), put my back into super strength
(and I haven’t been able to get my back, well, back)…I even attempted to use
x-ray vision (and that girl really didn’t understand…by the way, I have a court
date on Tuesday). So what kind of
superpowers do I have?
Oh, right, maybe I should
introduce myself. Gary Plummer, high
school English teacher…former, I should say.
And no, I haven’t been able to find work as of yet, but here’s hoping! I officially have flight under my list of
skills on my updated resume, and I think that’s going to be a
deal-breaker. I mean, come on, look at
candidates. One applicant has a degree
from Harvard? Big whoop, there’s new
Harvard Graduates each year, and they don’t seem to be stopping. I can freaking fly. Top that, Crimson
boy. Yes, Kelly Bentz went to Harvard.
Kelly Bentz, AKA my boss,
excuse me, former boss. She made sure I
wasn’t going to be working there anytime soon.
I’m sorry I missed the meeting, but I was in the middle of getting
exposed to radiation! Or something else,
I don’t know…it was glowing. But you
know all that. And for how much I hate
her, and yes I totally do, Kelly did kind of help me figure out I now have
superpowers. How? Well…it involves drinking. A lot of drinking. How much is a lot? Here’s the article.
Ex-Teacher Taught a Lesson
Gary
Plummer, former teacher at Fresdale high school, is facing a $500 fine for
soliciting a bouncer at a local bar.
Manny Trempkin, the bouncer, apparently was asked if he wanted to go
back to Mr. Plummer’s place to talk about a tree. “In his words, it was glowing,” said
Trempkin. “I could already tell he’d had
a few too many to drink, so I just called him a cab.”
Plummer,
having been fired for showing up four hours late to mandatory orientations for
teachers, has been showing a remarkable lack of decorum for someone charged
with the responsibility of education. “I
think it’s sick,” said a concerned parent who wished to remain anonymous. “You show up late to school, get fired, and
then go solicit a man? If you ask me
he should’ve been shot.” Again, this
parent asks to remain anonymous.
Gary
Plummer has been contacted several times the past two days since his firing,
but has declined to respond to inquiries to the reasons behind his firing,
solicitation, and disappearance.
Disappearance…I was in the
stratosphere! Well…maybe not the
stratosphere. I think I need to go over
the spheres again, since I’m spending so much time up there. I do remember I was in the clouds. Before you ask, I did solicit Manny. Moral of the story: don’t mix vodka with
tequila, rum, scotch and everclear. Bad
things will happen. After I asked him
back to my place, Manny did probably the best thing for either of us. He threw me out of the bar. Yes, literally threw me, out the side alley,
and so hard I hit my head on the dumpster, thank God. I started to get woozy, and the next thing I
know, I’m hanging out in the clouds with a flock of geese screaming at me! Geese!
Was I flying? Yes. I
could do anything I wanted up there.
Soar, zoom, dive and twirl to my heart’s content. All I had to do was picture it, and I could
do it. I never have to pay for travel
fare again, or even my car! My
transportation is basically assured.
On the other hand, I’m still
fired. And as much as I love adding
flying to the resume…what can I do with it?
Fight crime…I don’t think I’m going to look that good in tights. Steal?
Don’t be ridiculous. Get a new
job…I don’t think that defying gravity is on the list of possible job
qualifications. What am I going to do?
This is the first time I’ve
been back to my house since I last posted.
It’s gotten too hectic, and I don’t blame anyone. The public think I’m a drunk, a deviant, and
I used to be teaching their kids, I’d want to shoot me! But I need to think right now.
Who needs a flyer?
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