August 26, 2012
Dear Journal,
School starts tomorrow. Kids are going to be in school, in my…in the
classroom, and I won’t be there. I guess
it’s just hitting me now that I am unemployed, that my career as a teacher just
isn’t happening.
The week has been…okay. That stupid article from last week was only a
distraction. Went to my hearing, Manny
was really just understanding about everything.
He helped me with the charges, and as you can see, I’m out of jail. My account is five thousand dollars lighter
thanks to a fine, but I’m out of jail. And
out of work.
I walked out of the courtroom,
and who was there, but Kelly. God,
Kelly. I hate her so much because she is
right about so many things. I know I’ve
been, well, hating her for the last few weeks, but the look on her face just
floored me. She was there, she was at
the court, to see me.
I said hey, we sort of stumbled
our way through how everything was going, and I suggested a lunch to celebrate
me not being in handcuffs. She agreed,
and we started to talk.
Maybe this will make more sense
if I describe Kelly. Kelly Bentz was my
old boss, and became the first woman to become principal at the high school, at
the age of forty-two. No, there is
absolutely nothing sexual there. She’s
forty-two, I’m twenty-eight. She’s just
fantastic, a brilliant mind and a heart that’s only for the kids. Which is why she’s not giving me my job back.
I tried to explain, and
realized I couldn’t. I was out cold for
hours, missed everything, and I couldn’t even give a reason. For all she knew I was getting high or drunk
or even gambling away my livelihood. She
was a bit more comforting than I expected, was even willing to help me compile
my resume, but the message was clear. I’m
not going to be in school.
After that, the meeting became
awkward. I just wanted out, she wanted
to be gone, but neither of us wanted to be rude. When the waitress came by with the check, Kelly
offered to pay, and I had to leave. I was
abrupt, but I didn’t want her to think I was helpless. So I just flew away.
No, she didn’t see me. That’s probably the only thing that I’ve been
careful about the past couple weeks. But
I don’t want anyone to see me, take a video, and suddenly I’m the freak on
Youtube with federal agents knocking on my door. So I take off from the woods, or from
skyscraper roofs, and I just go.
It’s a feeling, to fly. It starts straight in the legs, the feeling
of the wind between my ankles, and it just keeps going. Suddenly I feel like I’m being wrapped up in
a shell of air, whipping me around yet still in full control. I can feel the nothingness of air, and yet
nothingness is so powerful.
I’m actually writing this on
top of the school roof. The school isn’t
tall, only three stories, and this is probably a very stupid idea. But until tomorrow, until the new year
officially starts, I can still trick myself.
I can pretend that I’m just grabbing a bite, taking in the view from my
school. I’m delusional, and I know it’s
a dream. Once those kids walk in and sit
down in their seats, I know it’s lost. The
man at the board won’t be me, they won’t be reading Shakespeare from me. I’m unemployed.
I’ve been out of work for two
weeks now. And though I haven’t been
jailed ever, I now have solicitation on my record. No one is going to hire me. I’m going to end up homeless unless I do
something drastic.
I’m thinking about robbing a
bank or something…
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